Friday, July 29, 2011


I'll be the first to admit it ... I'm a simple guy. I like very basic things, especially in the food department.
Meat. By now y'all realize I'm one step shy of being a total carnivore. Beef, pork, chicken, seafood, a wide variety of wild game. All of it is fine, long as you cook it. Raw fish is bait not food.

Name a meat and there is a good chance I've eaten it, maybe even made jerky from it, but don't ruin good meat by smothering in some fancy damn sauce or piling on a bunch of green crap and calling it herbs. Fry it, bake it, grill it, dehydrate it, but don't get any fancier with it that sticking between two pieces of bread. Ahhh ... Meat Sandwich.
Think of that stuff up above as your prologue, since I'm just now getting to the MEAT of this particular post.

What's wrong with calling a spud a spud? A burger a burger? A sandwich a sandwich?
Gotta be something cause all of a sudden every commercial, fast food chain, and frozen dinner company around is offering something called a panini. Looks like a hot sandwich with some fancy grill marks to me.

Now I understand why people stopped calling Tuna, dogfish. I mean most people are rather fond of man's best friend, unless you happen to be in Michael Vick's close circle of friends, and I can understand how the name dogfish would deter sales. Same thing with Mahi Mahi. Sure they are really dolphin fish but when you say dolphin most people think porpoise and start thinking of The Lassie of the sea, Flipper. Same exact show with a different animal star but that is another post for another day.

But why panini
I happen to like the word sandwich, and between you and me the word panini sounds like a slang term for the lower portion of a woman's anatomy. Sure go ahead, and laugh but it sounds better than Vajayjay which seems to be the trendy word of late. I say we all boycott the word panini and just call the damn things what they are, hot sandwiches.
I'm going to stop here because the rest of thoughts and metaphors would only lead me down a twisted and bumpy road. Which would probably get me in trouble, but I'm curious what other words or product names do you think are misnomers. What word makes you giggle like a room full of nine year old boys at every mention of the word Uranus?

Saturday, July 16, 2011

My, What A BIG Appetite You Have

Not long ago I was asked, "Travis, is there any kind of meat you'd never eat?"

The immediate answer to that is, "Never is a long damn time so no, I'd chow down on any KIND of meat if the circumstances were right. Or perhaps wrong depending how you look at it."

But unlike men, all meat is created equal and I'd certainly forgo eating a few classifications of critters as long as there were other alternatives. And no, I do not not count lettuce as one of those alternatives.

So perhaps the better question is ... "Travis, what is the worst kind of meat you've ever tasted, and hope to never sink your teeth into again?"

To that I say, Pronghorn Antelope.

I love to hunt and I love to eat what I shoot, so when a few years back I happened to luck into a permit I made sure my trust old .243 was sighted in and headed out in pursuit. 

My hunt was successful. I gutted, skinned and butchered the animal myself as I have many deer, aoudad sheep, and countless other game. I was eager to sample some of the meat so I marinated one of the tenderloins only a few days later.

When the meat was ready I wrapped it up in foil, along with enough of the marinating juice to keep it moist, and placed it in the smoker using applewood which I hoped would add to the flavor.

Three hours later. I unwrapped my meal and it looked exactly like this.

 No, not the entire donkey only the dangly, unappetizing part.

Now I have been to Mexico and I have seen things I probably shouldn't while there so staring down at my meal I wasn't quite as hungry as I had been only a few minutes before, but hell I'm secure in my manhood and heterosexuality so carved me off a chunk and stabbed it with a fork.

I opened my mouth, inserted the bite of pronghorn tenderloin and chewed.  

It looked like donkey dick and as it turned out, tasted even worse.

The antelope had a decidedly gamey taste, but that alone did not bother me. I am not afraid to have a little of that wild taste. Matter of fact I like it, but the antelope also had a sort of rancid overtone, reminiscent of the flavor you get when you microwave beef for too long. Actually I think anybody who cooks beef in the microwave needs to be shot for blasphemy and wanton wastefulness but that is the subject for another post.

I ate a few more bites, forced another piece onto my nephew and ended up feeding the rest of that tenderloin to my dog. I made the rest of the antelope into jerky but frankly even it was pretty bad, so the moral to this story is the same one you'll find in the opening scenes of No Country For Old Men -- BAD SHIT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SHOOT ANTELOPE.

But like good and evil , tasty and gross are relevant terms so I can't say with certainty I'd never eat antelope again.

After all, if I was hungry and faced with  the choice of Smoked Pronghorn Tenderloin or a Fresh Spring salad I'd still shout, "Carve me up a hunk of that donkey dick!"