Wednesday, August 17, 2011

When Sweet Taters Turn Sour

Blood money is one thing. Blood Vegetables another. The world is truly a dark place.


Friday, August 5, 2011

All That Glitters Is Not Gold

Let's play some word association.



Gobble times two.








Yep, there are lots of words associated with those delectable birds known far and wide as turkeys.

Wanna know a word that should never be associated with turkey.


How about another?


That's right folks 36 million pounds of ground turkey has been recalled due to health concerns regarding anti-biotic resistant bacteria. And I, being a self-appointed spokesman for all that is holy and good, AKA meat, have received a handful of email from folks asking what I think about meat now that a whole bunch of it is tainted.

And I'm in a rather delicate position here as my literary agent has instructed me not to reveal much from my upcoming book Lettuce Is The Devil: The Culinary Dogma of a Devout Meat Man  so I can't say as much as I would like to here, because long before this recall, I had a chapter planned to shed light on the dangers associated with worshiping the false meats.  

But turkey is meat you say?

Yes, it is. But a burger is meat to be red meat. That is the natural order. Turkey burgers and turkey bacon for that matter or evil my friends. They are the handiwork of the heath consciousness. The plight of the cowards who kowtow to calorie counts and cholesterol screening. Life is meant to be enjoyed. You are going to die anyway. Is two three, even five years worth a life of dietary dissatisfaction.

Hell no it isn't.

Work, red lights, anal bosses, mortgages, shitty drivers, meddling doctors, ex wives, abusive husbands, whiny kids, gossipy coworkers, traffic jams animal rights activists, politicians, cancer.

I could go on forever listing stress inducing things in this world. Why stress over every bite you put into your mouth. For the love of your gut, eat a fucking burger. A real burger not any of the fake shit. Stay away from the false meats.

Turkey burger.
Turkey bacon.
Soy anything.

And dude or dudettes, if you actually believe that giant-assed mushroom tastes as good as a real steak go check yourself into a psych ward. You need help. Of course in your delusional state you are likely to mistake the padded vest they put you in for a marshmallow.


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Beef, It's What's In The News

I have two pieces of meaty news to share today. One quite said, the other simply peculiar.

Since 1893 the monks of Assumption Abbey in Richardton, North Dakota have raised cattle. (See I've been telling your beef is holy) But do to a lack of monks with cowboy skills the abbey is giving up their cattle operation and going to lease their pasture to other ranchers in the area.

To be truthful, I've never had Trappist Burger or Steak but I have partook in many a fine Trappist beer-- Chimay, Westmalle, Rochefort, Westvleteren The monks of those abbey's brew many fine and dark beverages so I pray that they forever fins monks with brewing skills.

Now to news item number two.

KETCHIKAN, Alaska — A taxidermist earned a place in pop history for preserving Lady Gaga's now-famous raw-meat dress for display in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland.

My question is, couldn't Jack Link have simply turned it all into jerky? I can hear and see the new campaign slogan now where people could leave the big hairy dude alone and start playing jokes on Gaga... Messin' with Snatchcrotch.