Friday, August 5, 2011

All That Glitters Is Not Gold

Let's play some word association.



Gobble times two.








Yep, there are lots of words associated with those delectable birds known far and wide as turkeys.

Wanna know a word that should never be associated with turkey.


How about another?


That's right folks 36 million pounds of ground turkey has been recalled due to health concerns regarding anti-biotic resistant bacteria. And I, being a self-appointed spokesman for all that is holy and good, AKA meat, have received a handful of email from folks asking what I think about meat now that a whole bunch of it is tainted.

And I'm in a rather delicate position here as my literary agent has instructed me not to reveal much from my upcoming book Lettuce Is The Devil: The Culinary Dogma of a Devout Meat Man  so I can't say as much as I would like to here, because long before this recall, I had a chapter planned to shed light on the dangers associated with worshiping the false meats.  

But turkey is meat you say?

Yes, it is. But a burger is meat to be red meat. That is the natural order. Turkey burgers and turkey bacon for that matter or evil my friends. They are the handiwork of the heath consciousness. The plight of the cowards who kowtow to calorie counts and cholesterol screening. Life is meant to be enjoyed. You are going to die anyway. Is two three, even five years worth a life of dietary dissatisfaction.

Hell no it isn't.

Work, red lights, anal bosses, mortgages, shitty drivers, meddling doctors, ex wives, abusive husbands, whiny kids, gossipy coworkers, traffic jams animal rights activists, politicians, cancer.

I could go on forever listing stress inducing things in this world. Why stress over every bite you put into your mouth. For the love of your gut, eat a fucking burger. A real burger not any of the fake shit. Stay away from the false meats.

Turkey burger.
Turkey bacon.
Soy anything.

And dude or dudettes, if you actually believe that giant-assed mushroom tastes as good as a real steak go check yourself into a psych ward. You need help. Of course in your delusional state you are likely to mistake the padded vest they put you in for a marshmallow.



  1. We actually had some of that recalled turkey in our fridge. I use it for goulash.

  2. I wonder if the turkey farmers will sue you the way the beef farmers sued Oprah.

  3. HURRAH! I totally agree with one exception. Ground turkey makes better home made sausage patties than ground pork. I haven't figured out why yet, as commercial sausage is better than pork, but it's totally true.

    BTW- hurry the hell up! I need good non-fiction books to recommend on my book site!

  4. Haha! I couldn't help but picture roasting marshmallows w/that last line. I have to agree about turkey burgers and bacon. NEVER been a fan of either. But as you know, that's as close to worshipping in your anti-veggie circle as I'll get, my friend. HEE

    Have fun roasting those marshmallows. I hear REAL bacon makes a great substitute for graham crackers in s'mores. Might be worth a try...

  5. Charles -Just when you think you know a guy.

  6. Debra- I'm not anti turkey. I love turkey breasts. actually I love most breasts but ground turkey is wrong.

  7. WordVixen The proposal is out of my hands.

  8. Anita- It's a start and I pray that someday you see the full light and salvation the meat man lifestyle offers.

  9. Totally with you on this one, Travis. Ground turkey--the mere idea of turkey burgers, turkey bologna, or--gasp--turkey bacon gives me the creeps, and not in a good way.

    Fight the good fight, Travis.

  10. Congrats on the upcoming book.

    As for ground turkey, it gets the job done when you're a one paycheck family of five.

    I eat turkey bacon all the time, simply because the high cholestral demands it.

  11. meat = 'Me Eat!"

    Aloha from Waikiki;

    Comfort Spiral
    > < } } ( ° >

  12. I agree turkey should never be used in burger form :)