But being that I'm married there are times when I'm kidnapped and forced to go grocery shopping against my will. My whatever reason my family does not see the simplicity, joy, and week long sustenance a few pounds of kielbasa and a pack of flour tortillas offers. Oh no, they scoff there nose at eating the same thing for five days straight, therefore we must go to Wal-Mart and wander aimlessly up and down the aisles.
And it was there on those very aisles, in the freezer section, when I spotted the demon. With unbelieving eyes I opened the cooler door. A rush of frigid air poured forth and this is the horror I saw ...
Meatless meatballs?
Perhaps the world's greatest oxymoron ever. Speaking of moron, why would anyone eat this?
At the time I was too shocked and yes too scared to reach out and touch this product so I didn't know exactly what went into the making of a "meatless" meatball. But the powers of the Internet solved this problem as I looked it up. Here goes ...
TEXTURED VEGETABLE PROTEIN (WATER, SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE AND CONCENTRATE, WHEAT GLUTEN, WHEAT STARCH), CARROTS, SOYBEAN OIL, EGG WHITES. CONTAINS LESS THAN 2% OF ONIONS, CHICORY FIBER (INULIN), SPICES, SEA SALT, POTASSIUM CHLORIDE, DEXTROSE, HYDROLYZED PROTEIN (CORN, YEAST, WHEAT), MODIFIED VEGETABLE GUM, CALCIUM CARBONATE, VEGETABLE FIBER, GARLIC, YEAST EXTRACT, NATURAL FLAVORS, CARAMEL COLOR, CULTURED SKIM MILK.
Yum, SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE. They don't have to worry about me I've already isolated myself from all such matter.
CARROTS, SOYBEAN OIL -- I bet not even Bugs Bunny would eat these carrots disguised as meat.
EGG WHITES - Oh let's not eat the meat of an animal, Instead lets dine of something that fell from it's ass. Yeah folks, that's way better.
CHICORY FIBER -- Now I like a good cup of chicory coffee, but given that SOYBEAN OIL and VEGETABLE FIBER are also ingredients I'm thinking eating these means you better head over a few more aisle and pick up the 18 pack of Charmin.
Vegetable Gum - bet you can't blow a bubble with that crap
Natural Flavors? -- Umm ... given it's supposed to taste like meat would that be meat?
Cultured Skim Milk -- Let's not eat the cow's flesh, but let's slurp up their body fluid, YEAH MEATLESS MEATBALLS!
Vegetarians would eat those meatballs but Vegans wouldn't. In addition to meat, they don't eat milk, eggs, cheese, honey -- any product MADE by animals. So pray you are not ever kidnapped by Vegans, Travis. You MIGHT survive kidnapping by Vegetarians. But by Vegans? Nooooo.
ReplyDeleteMeatless Meatballs. Lolz.
ReplyDeleteEgg Whites - tiny, adorable, baby chickens. Such delicious NOMS! Why eat the full grown chickens. I wonder if that means vegetarians can eat Veal, too?
I am trying to make healthier choices, so glad that does NOT entail meatless meatballs. Btw, thanks for the follow on twitter!
ReplyDeleteSoybeans....hmmmmmmmm...Bac-O's are made out of soybean.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm with you on this. I would rather eat calamari than eat anything that resembles a mud pie in texture and tarpaper in taste.
Still, I think "meatless meatballs" just has better marketing value than "meatless balls."
ReplyDelete