Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Don't Open That Gate

I eat next to no vegetables, or anything green for that matter. (there are a few veggies I'll allow to pass between my lips, but only after they've been deep fried in liquid animal fat) Not long ago, a teenage boy who is dating a friend's daughter told told me, "I'm just like you. I don't eat veggies, except maybe for a little lettuce on my burger."

As a wizend adult of 38 I felt duty bound to warn this boy of the dangers of "JUST A LITTLE BIT OF LETTUCE."

"That's exactly how it starts," I told the lad. "A little bit of lettuce on your burger today ... a salad tomorrow, before you know it you're knee deep in boiled cabbage and asparagus. Come one man. Don't you know lettuce is the gateway vegetable?"

Here is a old news story from 2008 that just goes to show you how the mere word salad leads to no good.
FORT WORTH, Texas, May 7 -- Salad bowls led to the arrest of a 51-year-old Texas man.

Federal prosecutors said David Barouch's ex-wife returned home from church last Sunday and opened a FedEx package. Inside, she discovered two salad bowls taped together, containing a six-volt battery and a large bag of what appeared to be gunpowder.

"Taking the bowls apart was supposed to have formed a circuit that would have set off the gunpowder," Federal prosecuter Bret Helmer said. "The detectives determined that these bowls were sold only at Bed, Bath and Beyond."

Detectives found the only nearby location that had sold two of the bowls in the same day during the past month and a review of April 14 surveillance camera footage identified Barouch, of Fort Worth, as the man who bought them.

Barouch was arrested and charged with possession of an unregistered destructive device.

What do you bet she tried to feed him salad the whole time they were married? Sure, he's obviously a disturbed fellow, but I can just hear him muttering as he rigged up his ill-fated contraption ... "Romain, iceburg, that fancy purple crap. She wants to eat salad I'll give her salad."

Ask me it was the lettuce made him do it. 

Yep, pure evil I tell you.


  1. Someone's got to lead the youth of America!

  2. LOL, awesome! Yes, it was definitely the lettuce that made him do it. Great post!