Saturday, April 9, 2011

I Got The Beef Right Here

I've never been a big fan of the Wendy's chain of fast food restaurants.

Don't get me wrong, I respect their efforts to find the beef back in the 80's ...

And I was amused by their meatarian commercial to promote their Baconator burger a few years back. But other than those few successes me and that little red-headed gal haven't exactly seen eye-to-eye.

First off a true meatatarian eats nothing but meat (they are the yin to a Vegan's yang and just as nutty) and the dude in their commercial was chomping on a bun. Whereas a good honest Meat Man such as myself maximizes his love of meat by allowing a select few food items (never green ones) to grace his plate that didn't once graze in the field.

But that is a minor infraction and one I could overlook without all the other craziness.

Like square hamburger patties. Oh I've heard the Dave Thomas explanation, "our patties are square because we don't cut any corners."

Then tell me Dave ... (yeah I know the dude has passed on, but I'm speaking metaphorically here)  Tell me Dave why is the bacon you put on your burgers so danged thin I can see through it. Had Lady Gaga used y'alls bacon for her dress the entire world would say Janet who when the term wardrobe malfunction came up in conversation. Frankly your bacon would cover so much as a single Gaga nipple.

And back to those square burgers. Dude, you can't force square meat into a road hole. Okay, maybe you can but it is illegal in every state except Nevada. Square burgers on a road bun upsets the cosmic balance of Burgerdom.

But even that travesty is forgivable.

It is your latest sack that has finally driven me away for good.

It's hard to read so I'll blow up the words for y'all

This my friends is treason ... blasphemy and nothing short of evil corruption.

256 ways?

Not without dancing with the devil my friend.  and his demonic acolytes.

Given their ingredients on hand I see but 6 righteous ways to customize a Wendy's burger.

I have given names to these burgers 

The Purist -- Hamburger patty, Cheese, and Bacon.

The Dripping Purist -- Hamburger patty, Cheese, Bacon, and BBQ sauce. (I would explain why all other sauces such as Mayo, Ketchup, and Mustard are sinful but the powers that be have advised me to withhold certain aspects of my wisdom,a s well as all recipes, for the forthcoming book, Lettuce Is The Devil : The Culinary Dogma Of a Devout Meat Man.)

The Nary any Dairy --  Hamburger patty and Bacon

The Dripping Nary any Dairy -- Should be self explanatory following the above described burgers. But if you are not intelligent enough to figure it out than chances are you are a vegan and are unlikely to order this anyway.

The Poor Boy -- Hamburger patty. Unless you are Jewish, lactose intolerant, or too broke to spring the extra fifty cents for a slice of cheese ordering this burger is the Meat Man equivalent of singing along to a Justin Bieber song.

The Dripping Poor Boy -- Hey, BBQ sauce is free man.

Now a real Meat Man, such as myself, can build a more exotic and better burger than any of the above but like I said, for that knowledge y'all will have to wait for the book.

And until then stay away from the other 250 combinations, for they are born of pure evilness.


  1. I'm a purist. Through and through.

  2. As much a sin as it is, I'm kinda partial to onion on a burger... bun or not. Surely something so pungent is forgivable in small quantities?

  3. Lady Gaga in her meat dress must just drive you wild with desire, eh Travis? Do you bring home meat lingerie for the missus?

  4. I am scared to answer what I am, since mine wasn't option. Wendy's has good salads haha YES i am the rebel of your followers :)

    So when you get a burger do you get lettuce on it?

    I am not a fan of Wendy's new fries, but they have good frosty's!

  5. Laurel - You are my kinda gal

    Val - At least it's not green.

    Debra - Actually she kind of frightens me because he adam's apple is bigger than mine.

    Phats - I NEVER eat lettuce. ON, IN, Or Near anything.

  6. There's another square hamburger and you really can see through the meat 'patty'… it has holes in it, the tiny, marvelous 'belly bomb', the (in)famous White Castle, the original slider. Damn, they're addictive.

    Travis, if you pardon my geekiness, I'll explain the math, which a few of us wack-o computer nerds recognize. A Minnesota pizza joint advertised you could order their pizza 32768 different ways. Computers being binary things, that tells me 32768 is 2 to the 11th power, and they must have 11 ingredients. Wendy's 256 ways is the 8th power of 2, so they have 8 ingredients. Okay, okay, I'll stop before I ruin your blog.

    Don Imus once called a McDonald's claiming he was Lieutenant Mufdinger of the National Guard. He said they'd be transporting troops through the area and could they get 2000 hamburgers to go from McDs? The McClerk assured him that would be no problem.

    "Okay," said Imus, "I want 2 with catsup only, 4 with extras pickle, 1 with …"