Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Don't Open That Gate

I eat next to no vegetables, or anything green for that matter. (there are a few veggies I'll allow to pass between my lips, but only after they've been deep fried in liquid animal fat) Not long ago, a teenage boy who is dating a friend's daughter told told me, "I'm just like you. I don't eat veggies, except maybe for a little lettuce on my burger."

As a wizend adult of 38 I felt duty bound to warn this boy of the dangers of "JUST A LITTLE BIT OF LETTUCE."

"That's exactly how it starts," I told the lad. "A little bit of lettuce on your burger today ... a salad tomorrow, before you know it you're knee deep in boiled cabbage and asparagus. Come one man. Don't you know lettuce is the gateway vegetable?"

Here is a old news story from 2008 that just goes to show you how the mere word salad leads to no good.
FORT WORTH, Texas, May 7 -- Salad bowls led to the arrest of a 51-year-old Texas man.

Federal prosecutors said David Barouch's ex-wife returned home from church last Sunday and opened a FedEx package. Inside, she discovered two salad bowls taped together, containing a six-volt battery and a large bag of what appeared to be gunpowder.

"Taking the bowls apart was supposed to have formed a circuit that would have set off the gunpowder," Federal prosecuter Bret Helmer said. "The detectives determined that these bowls were sold only at Bed, Bath and Beyond."

Detectives found the only nearby location that had sold two of the bowls in the same day during the past month and a review of April 14 surveillance camera footage identified Barouch, of Fort Worth, as the man who bought them.

Barouch was arrested and charged with possession of an unregistered destructive device.

What do you bet she tried to feed him salad the whole time they were married? Sure, he's obviously a disturbed fellow, but I can just hear him muttering as he rigged up his ill-fated contraption ... "Romain, iceburg, that fancy purple crap. She wants to eat salad I'll give her salad."

Ask me it was the lettuce made him do it. 

Yep, pure evil I tell you.

Monday, March 28, 2011


I do not enjoy grocery shopping, or shopping of any type for that matter. I'm a go in grab what you NEED (I said NEED not want) and go kind of guy. Strolling around aisle after aisle is yet another version of my personal hell. Along with salad bars, Barry Manilow tunes, and televised Ice Skating competitions.

But being that I'm married there are times when I'm kidnapped and forced to go grocery shopping against my will. My whatever reason my family does not see the simplicity, joy, and week long sustenance a few pounds of kielbasa and a pack of flour tortillas offers. Oh no, they scoff there nose at eating the same thing for five days straight, therefore we must go to Wal-Mart and wander aimlessly up and down the aisles.

And it was there on those very aisles, in the freezer section, when I spotted the demon. With unbelieving eyes I opened the cooler door. A rush of frigid air poured forth and this is the horror I saw ...

Meatless meatballs?

Perhaps the world's greatest oxymoron ever. Speaking of moron, why would anyone eat this?

At the time I was too shocked and yes  too scared to reach out and touch this product so I didn't know exactly what went into the making of a "meatless" meatball. But the powers of the Internet solved this problem as I looked it up. Here goes ...


Yum, SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE. They don't have to worry about me I've already isolated myself from all such matter.

CARROTS, SOYBEAN OIL -- I bet not even Bugs Bunny would eat these carrots disguised as meat.

EGG WHITES - Oh let's not eat the meat of an animal, Instead lets dine of something that fell from it's ass. Yeah folks, that's way better.

CHICORY FIBER -- Now I like a good cup of chicory coffee, but given that SOYBEAN OIL and VEGETABLE FIBER are also ingredients I'm thinking eating these means you better head over a few more aisle and pick up the 18 pack of Charmin.

Vegetable Gum - bet you can't blow a bubble with that crap

Natural Flavors? -- Umm ... given it's supposed to taste like meat would that be meat?

Cultured Skim Milk -- Let's not eat the cow's flesh, but let's slurp up their body fluid, YEAH MEATLESS MEATBALLS!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Sins Of My Coworkers

Work is rarely fun. No one likes to get up at the butt crack of dawn and shuffle off to toil for the man 5 days a week. Loverboy said it best ... We're all working for the weekend.

And to help us get there we have coffee breaks and lunch hour or half hour in my case.

I like to escape down the street for a nice meat and cheese Whopper from Burger King or a Whataburger on toasted bun. Hold the devil and all his veggified demons assistants please. But I gave up eating out for lent this year so I'm stuck to hanging out in the breakroom.

It is a feast of horrors in there folks. Just look at these shots I took today.

Bucket O'Maggots


Satan's Dance Party & a blatant waste of good cheese I might add


But wait you say, that looks like sausage.

It is. Chicken & Spinach sausage. What a sacrilegious waste of good intestines to stuff them full of Popeye's steroids. Oh sure the world labels and puts an asterisk beside Barry Bonds and Ben Johnson's names but no one ever questions Popeye for his performance enhancement drugs.

And look at that sausage. Call me crazy but it seems to be screaming, "GET THIS GREEN DEVIL OUT OF ME!"

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Hot & Fresh

I'll be the first to admit it. I'm a simple guy. I like very basic things, especially in the food department.
Meat. That's my specialty. I'm a few slices of bread and a tater or two shy of being a complete carnivore.
Beef, pork, chicken, seafood, a wide variety of wild game. All of it is fine , long as you cook it. Raw fish is bait not food.

Anyway name a meat and there's a right solid chance I've eating it. Maybe even made jerky from it.
And it's a pet peeve of mine to see good meat ruined by smothering it in some high-falootin sauce, or by piling on a bunch of green crap and calling it herbs. Fry, bake, grill it, dehydrate it, but don't get any fancier with it that sticking between two pieces of bread. Ahhh ... Meat Sandwich.

Think of that stuff up above as your prologue, since I'm just now getting to the MEAT of this particular post.

What's wrong with calling a spud a spud? A burger a burger? A sandwich a sandwich?

Gotta be something cause all of a sudden every commercial, fast food chain, and frozen dinner company around is offering something called a panini. Looks like a hot sandwich with some fancy grill marks to me.

Now I understand why people stopped calling Tuna, dogfish. I mean most people are rather fond of man's best friend, unless you happen to be in Michael Vick's close circle of friends, and I can understand how the name dogfish would deter sales. Same thing with Mahi Mahi. Sure they are really dolphin fish but when you say dolphin most people think porpoise and start thinking of Flipper, The Lassie of the sea. It was the same exact show with a different animal star but that my friends is another post for another blog.

But why panini? I happen to like the word sandwich, and between you and me the word panini sounds like a slang term for the lower portion of a woman's anatomy. Sure go ahead, and laugh but it sounds better than Vajayjay which seems to be the trendy word of late. I say we all boycott the word panini and just call the damn things what they are, hot sandwiches.