Thursday, April 21, 2011

My Take

I eat meat. 

Meat comes from animals.

I accept that fact and understand that is the way of the world. The way things are meant to be. 

If we humans were meant to eat grass we'd have four chambers in our stomach and flat teeth designed for grinding. Just like cows do.

Whether you are an evolutionist, a steadfast believer in creationism, or are of the opinion the human race is an accidental collision of dust particles matters not. We are equipped to chew and digest meat and to deny those basic instincts is a crime against nature.

This leads me to a recent news story here in my area of the Texas panhandle. A national animal rights organization released video of abuse taking part at a local cattle company. Yes I said abuse. The owner of the company was on local news and admitted what was seen in the footage was wrong. Despite my steadfast love of meat I am not foolish enough to say or even suggest there are stupid people in this world. People who make mistakes and do things they should not.

But I am unwavering in my belief that the idiotic actions of some should provoke a knee jerk action or banning of something else.

The spokesman for this animal rights group looked in the camera and said, "This is why everyone should be vegan. If you eat meat you are as guilty as those on the video."

That my friends is wrong.

But let me back up and say I something that often provokes shock from others.

I DO NOT believe in animal rights.

Nor do I believe we should treat animals humanly.

What I believe in is animal welfare.

Same thing you say. Yeah, it is in most people's minds, but unfortunately the whack jobs mean the terms literally.

Humanly means to treat something like a human. And that is what groups like PETA, ALF, and Mercy For Animals believe. Animals are not human. Treating them like I would my cousin Larry will not make them so.

Animals have no rights. I don't want to arm bears, have a chicken clucking away in the voting booth next to me, or set free all the Fido's and Spot's now incarcerated in backyards the world over.

Those are crazy ideas.

On the other hand I do not believe a person should repeatedly kick a sick calf, feed a pit bull gunpowder to make it aggressive enough to fight another dog to its death, or keep and starve to death a dozen Bengal tigers because they can't afford the meat to feed them. (Good luck convincing those tigers that a vegan lifestyle is the way to go)

There is no place for cruelty or abuse anywhere in this world.

That goes at feedlots and migrant farm camps, where often times the folks who pick all those veggies are treated worse than animals.

But back to the guys assertion meat production should be banned based on the video evidence.

Following his logic ... the next time some sorry bastard is found guilty of child abuse, all fornication should be banned, that way no innocent kids will ever be harmed again.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Why I Have Nightmares





Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Muy Caliente!

Truth be told, I don't know who this gal, Maggie Q even is, but I am concerned on her behalf. Capsaicin (the fiery oil contained in peppers) burns are no fun, but being the kind guy I am I will volunteer to apply the salve for the singed area.

And of course as a genuine Meat Man I will do everything in my power to convince her a little meat would do her some good.

And yeah I stole or at least borrowed this from PETA and I gotta say, if they think this ad is gonna deter people from assuming those initials mean something other than People Eating Tasty Animals than they are sadly mistaken.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011


I guess it was bound to happen.

After all you can't please every one.

And the world has gone softer than an overripe banana.

Vegan, vegetarians, and PETA heads are a vocal bunch so I thought it would be one of them, but apparently my first dissenter was offended for reasons the fact i like to snack upon creatures that once had a face.

Here are a few snippets from my first bit of hate mail.

 ... I became a regular reader when a mutual friend tuned me into your regular blog and while I often found you brand of humor to be sophomoric, it was at least mildly entertaining. However, this new venture, where you insist upon mocking both religion and healthy living, is worse than your usual gambits. To compare lettuce to Satan is utterly juvenile, as well as sacrilegious. What's next Jesus, Our Lord and Savior, to beef jerky?

There was more but that gives you the general idea. 

For the record the Lettuce Is The Devil blog, book, Facebook page, and twitter accounts are in no way meant to represent serious theology. If you have confused my instruction to the brilliant but often misguided Stephen, "Poke Salad" Parrish to say three Hail marinades and pray the rotisserie as genuine religious instruction I do apologize. 

That being said ... I REALLY do love beef jerky and it has saved me many times in life. 

And I suppose that I am sophomoric at times. Take the phrase the hate e-mailer used "utterly juvenile" ... upon reading that term it occurred to me if one changed the spelling to "udderly juvenile" it would be synonymous with another term -- titty baby. 

But I suppose I will just dismiss this letter as a sign that my Meat Man Dogma is finding an audience, besides I can't take it personal not when i know ... the LETTUCE made them do it.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

This Kid Gives Me Hope For The Future

This story was sent to me by blogging pal Dizzy Ms. Lizzy, who got it from her father. Is it true? I damn sure hope so. And sometime soon i will share my rabbit story that landed me the same place as this kid.

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." 

Guess where I am now...

Saturday, April 9, 2011

I Got The Beef Right Here

I've never been a big fan of the Wendy's chain of fast food restaurants.

Don't get me wrong, I respect their efforts to find the beef back in the 80's ...

And I was amused by their meatarian commercial to promote their Baconator burger a few years back. But other than those few successes me and that little red-headed gal haven't exactly seen eye-to-eye.

First off a true meatatarian eats nothing but meat (they are the yin to a Vegan's yang and just as nutty) and the dude in their commercial was chomping on a bun. Whereas a good honest Meat Man such as myself maximizes his love of meat by allowing a select few food items (never green ones) to grace his plate that didn't once graze in the field.

But that is a minor infraction and one I could overlook without all the other craziness.

Like square hamburger patties. Oh I've heard the Dave Thomas explanation, "our patties are square because we don't cut any corners."

Then tell me Dave ... (yeah I know the dude has passed on, but I'm speaking metaphorically here)  Tell me Dave why is the bacon you put on your burgers so danged thin I can see through it. Had Lady Gaga used y'alls bacon for her dress the entire world would say Janet who when the term wardrobe malfunction came up in conversation. Frankly your bacon would cover so much as a single Gaga nipple.

And back to those square burgers. Dude, you can't force square meat into a road hole. Okay, maybe you can but it is illegal in every state except Nevada. Square burgers on a road bun upsets the cosmic balance of Burgerdom.

But even that travesty is forgivable.

It is your latest sack that has finally driven me away for good.

It's hard to read so I'll blow up the words for y'all

This my friends is treason ... blasphemy and nothing short of evil corruption.

256 ways?

Not without dancing with the devil my friend.  and his demonic acolytes.

Given their ingredients on hand I see but 6 righteous ways to customize a Wendy's burger.

I have given names to these burgers 

The Purist -- Hamburger patty, Cheese, and Bacon.

The Dripping Purist -- Hamburger patty, Cheese, Bacon, and BBQ sauce. (I would explain why all other sauces such as Mayo, Ketchup, and Mustard are sinful but the powers that be have advised me to withhold certain aspects of my wisdom,a s well as all recipes, for the forthcoming book, Lettuce Is The Devil : The Culinary Dogma Of a Devout Meat Man.)

The Nary any Dairy --  Hamburger patty and Bacon

The Dripping Nary any Dairy -- Should be self explanatory following the above described burgers. But if you are not intelligent enough to figure it out than chances are you are a vegan and are unlikely to order this anyway.

The Poor Boy -- Hamburger patty. Unless you are Jewish, lactose intolerant, or too broke to spring the extra fifty cents for a slice of cheese ordering this burger is the Meat Man equivalent of singing along to a Justin Bieber song.

The Dripping Poor Boy -- Hey, BBQ sauce is free man.

Now a real Meat Man, such as myself, can build a more exotic and better burger than any of the above but like I said, for that knowledge y'all will have to wait for the book.

And until then stay away from the other 250 combinations, for they are born of pure evilness.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Chip Clip

The battle between good and evil rages on.

There are many fronts to this age-long skirmish.

Today, I spotted two silent struggles taking place in the vending machine at work.

Who will prevail? Meat flavored chips, or the evil flame throwing vegetable?

Monday, April 4, 2011

Bask In The Heavenly Light

I realize that I have devoted every post thus far to highlighting the evil of the world on this blog. lest you start to think there is no light amongst the darkness I have decided to part the story clouds and let the sun shine through for this post.

The Mexican meat market where among other things you can buy skirt steak for fajitas, chorizo, rabbit, cabrito, and the best smoked porkchops in all the world.  Can I get an AMEN!

A line up of New York Strips right on my grill. Can i get a hallelujah!

The view from my deer blind. Waiting on some future deer jerky while eyeballing tomorrows hamburgers. Praise the bounty.


A feast at a campout. Nothing beats meat cooked over an open flame fed by Texas mesquite. Hallowed be thy name.

A sample of those fantabulous smoked porkchops from the Mexican meat market. Must have been a hot day summer since I was drinking Landshark.

Y'all getting hungry yet?

How 'bout some more steaks 'cause you can never have enough steak. these were from christmas day thsi past year. turkey is good, but beef is better.

 Yep, that's me sampling a tasty scrap o'meat.

Again I say -- Can I get an AMEN!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Satan's Playpen

There is a place of darkness, hidden away in your home ...

It is there lurking waiting ...

There in the kitchen ...

Yes in the fridge ...

Go ahead open the door ...

But be prepared for the horror of it ...

That's right folks.

The Devil has staked out and labeled an evil den in your very place of nourishment.

But FEAR NOT my faithful and loyal friends ...

For it is possible to shun the devil's markings ...

To transform this vile place into something pure and holy and good ...