When Sweet Taters Turn Sour

Blood money is one thing. Blood Vegetables another. The world is truly a dark place.



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All That Glitters Is Not Gold

Let's play some word association.

Thanksgiving.

Christmas.

Gobble times two.

Fat.

Juicy.

Plump.

Butterball.

Smoked.

Fried.

Baked.

Yep, there are lots of words associated with those delectable birds known far and wide as turkeys.

Wanna know a word that should never be associated with turkey.

Ground.

How about another?

Burger.

That's right folks 36 million pounds of ground turkey has been recalled due to health concerns regarding anti-biotic resistant bacteria. And I, being a self-appointed spokesman for all that is holy and good, AKA meat, have received a handful of email from folks asking what I think about meat now that a whole bunch of it is tainted.

And I'm in a rather delicate position here as my literary agent has instructed me not to reveal much from my upcoming book Lettuce Is The Devil: The Culinary Dogma of a Devout Meat Man  so I can't say as much as I would like to here, because long before this recall, I had a chapter planned to shed light on the dangers associated with worshiping the false meats.  

But turkey is meat you say?

Yes, it is. But a burger is meat to be red meat. That is the natural order. Turkey burgers and turkey bacon for that matter or evil my friends. They are the handiwork of the heath consciousness. The plight of the cowards who kowtow to calorie counts and cholesterol screening. Life is meant to be enjoyed. You are going to die anyway. Is two three, even five years worth a life of dietary dissatisfaction.

Hell no it isn't.

Work, red lights, anal bosses, mortgages, shitty drivers, meddling doctors, ex wives, abusive husbands, whiny kids, gossipy coworkers, traffic jams animal rights activists, politicians, cancer.

I could go on forever listing stress inducing things in this world. Why stress over every bite you put into your mouth. For the love of your gut, eat a fucking burger. A real burger not any of the fake shit. Stay away from the false meats.

Turkey burger.
Turkey bacon.
Soy anything.

And dude or dudettes, if you actually believe that giant-assed mushroom tastes as good as a real steak go check yourself into a psych ward. You need help. Of course in your delusional state you are likely to mistake the padded vest they put you in for a marshmallow.


   

Beef, It's What's In The News

I have two pieces of meaty news to share today. One quite said, the other simply peculiar.

Since 1893 the monks of Assumption Abbey in Richardton, North Dakota have raised cattle. (See I've been telling your beef is holy) But do to a lack of monks with cowboy skills the abbey is giving up their cattle operation and going to lease their pasture to other ranchers in the area.

To be truthful, I've never had Trappist Burger or Steak but I have partook in many a fine Trappist beer-- Chimay, Westmalle, Rochefort, Westvleteren The monks of those abbey's brew many fine and dark beverages so I pray that they forever fins monks with brewing skills.


Now to news item number two.

KETCHIKAN, Alaska — A taxidermist earned a place in pop history for preserving Lady Gaga's now-famous raw-meat dress for display in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and Museum in Cleveland.

My question is, couldn't Jack Link have simply turned it all into jerky? I can hear and see the new campaign slogan now where people could leave the big hairy dude alone and start playing jokes on Gaga... Messin' with Snatchcrotch.

Ciao

I'll be the first to admit it ... I'm a simple guy. I like very basic things, especially in the food department.

Meat. By now y'all realize I'm one step shy of being a total carnivore. Beef, pork, chicken, seafood, a wide variety of wild game. All of it is fine, long as you cook it. Raw fish is bait not food.

Name a meat and there is a good chance I've eaten it, maybe even made jerky from it, but don't ruin good meat by smothering in some fancy damn sauce or piling on a bunch of green crap and calling it herbs. Fry it, bake it, grill it, dehydrate it, but don't get any fancier with it that sticking between two pieces of bread. Ahhh ... Meat Sandwich.

Think of that stuff up above as your prologue, since I'm just now getting to the MEAT of this particular post.

What's wrong with calling a spud a spud? A burger a burger? A sandwich a sandwich?

Gotta be something cause all of a sudden every commercial, fast food chain, and frozen dinner company around is offering something called a panini. Looks like a hot sandwich with some fancy grill marks to me.

 

Now I understand why people stopped calling Tuna, dogfish. I mean most people are rather fond of man's best friend, unless you happen to be in Michael Vick's close circle of friends, and I can understand how the name dogfish would deter sales. Same thing with Mahi Mahi. Sure they are really dolphin fish but when you say dolphin most people think porpoise and start thinking of The Lassie of the sea, Flipper. Same exact show with a different animal star but that is another post for another day.

But why panini? 

 

I happen to like the word sandwich, and between you and me the word panini sounds like a slang term for the lower portion of a woman's anatomy. Sure go ahead, and laugh but it sounds better than Vajayjay which seems to be the trendy word of late. I say we all boycott the word panini and just call the damn things what they are, hot sandwiches.

I'm going to stop here because the rest of thoughts and metaphors would only lead me down a twisted and bumpy road. Which would probably get me in trouble, but I'm curious what other words or product names do you think are misnomers. What word makes you giggle like a room full of nine year old boys at every mention of the word Uranus?

My, What A BIG Appetite You Have

Not long ago I was asked, "Travis, is there any kind of meat you'd never eat?"

The immediate answer to that is, "Never is a long damn time so no, I'd chow down on any KIND of meat if the circumstances were right. Or perhaps wrong depending how you look at it."

But unlike men, all meat is created equal and I'd certainly forgo eating a few classifications of critters as long as there were other alternatives. And no, I do not not count lettuce as one of those alternatives.

So perhaps the better question is ... "Travis, what is the worst kind of meat you've ever tasted, and hope to never sink your teeth into again?"

To that I say, Pronghorn Antelope.

I love to hunt and I love to eat what I shoot, so when a few years back I happened to luck into a permit I made sure my trust old .243 was sighted in and headed out in pursuit. 

My hunt was successful. I gutted, skinned and butchered the animal myself as I have many deer, aoudad sheep, and countless other game. I was eager to sample some of the meat so I marinated one of the tenderloins only a few days later.

When the meat was ready I wrapped it up in foil, along with enough of the marinating juice to keep it moist, and placed it in the smoker using applewood which I hoped would add to the flavor.

Three hours later. I unwrapped my meal and it looked exactly like this.

 No, not the entire donkey only the dangly, unappetizing part.

Now I have been to Mexico and I have seen things I probably shouldn't while there so staring down at my meal I wasn't quite as hungry as I had been only a few minutes before, but hell I'm secure in my manhood and heterosexuality so carved me off a chunk and stabbed it with a fork.

I opened my mouth, inserted the bite of pronghorn tenderloin and chewed.  

It looked like donkey dick and as it turned out, tasted even worse.

The antelope had a decidedly gamey taste, but that alone did not bother me. I am not afraid to have a little of that wild taste. Matter of fact I like it, but the antelope also had a sort of rancid overtone, reminiscent of the flavor you get when you microwave beef for too long. Actually I think anybody who cooks beef in the microwave needs to be shot for blasphemy and wanton wastefulness but that is the subject for another post.

I ate a few more bites, forced another piece onto my nephew and ended up feeding the rest of that tenderloin to my dog. I made the rest of the antelope into jerky but frankly even it was pretty bad, so the moral to this story is the same one you'll find in the opening scenes of No Country For Old Men -- BAD SHIT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SHOOT ANTELOPE.

But like good and evil , tasty and gross are relevant terms so I can't say with certainty I'd never eat antelope again.

After all, if I was hungry and faced with  the choice of Smoked Pronghorn Tenderloin or a Fresh Spring salad I'd still shout, "Carve me up a hunk of that donkey dick!"

In A Kingdom Not So Far Away

From time to time I'm going to take a moment and highlight a member of the Lettuce Is the Devil brethren for without friends, life is worth nothing.

Today I'd like to introduce the one, the only Lissa.

Lissa and her husband are good friends. We enjoy going out for a bit of food and an adult beverage or ten with them. Sadly Lissa still dances with the green one and his evil veggie kin but at least her husband Randy is pure of heart. he is a true meat man, but this post is about Lissa not him.

Lissa is not shy. She is however naive in a few matters ... like ice.

Let's step back in time and share a story about our fairy princess.

Once upon a time our fair maiden began to perspire. Now Princess Lissa hates the heat. She would be happy if the mercury never rose above 45 so sweating is totally beneath her royal self.

But Lissa loves to eat. Not just salads and froo froo frillery but real honest too goodness meat. This is why I still have hope for her. And she will go anywhere or do most anything for a tasty meal so that is why on this hot Texas summer day Lissa found herself at a divey little motorcycle joint that might have had working A/C some time back when Route 66 was actually the mother road.

So there she sat perspiring in that Route 66 greasy spoon waiting for her meal. She'd been partaking of many an adult beverage to keep her parched throat lubricated so soon enough her bladder demanded attention. But alas the women's room had a line.

Now our fair maiden is not about to wait in a line so she quickly ducked into the men's room. There she spied the most curious of sights. A long metal tub full of ice. Now Princess Lissa being of the female persuasion was unaccustomed to  the handiness of something called a urinal. Perhaps she;d seen or heard tell of the fancy new porcelain kind that hang on the wall but an old antique type trough urinal was not something she'd ever heard of.

Or perhaps the heat had melted her brain.

Either way our fair maiden was tempted by the frigid allure of the ice. She dipped her hand in and finding that wholly refreshing she scooped a handful of the crushed cubes and proceeded to run them along her neck and upper chest. Back at the table she asked the men why the restaurant stored ice in the men's room.

Sadly I have no video of Princess Lissa's facial expression upon learning that ice in urinals helps keep the piss smell at bay especially when it is hot and steamy.

But never fear for I do have video of our fair maiden taking her first ever sip of an evil concoction of tomato and clam juice, mixed with beer. It is called a Chillata.

And yes, Lissa brave soul that she is granted her blessings of this post.

A Turd is a Turd

So there I was on twitter. Happily reading the tweets of my peeps when I spot a link to this.

Okay so I know people are lazy and very few actually clicked on that link so I'll tell you about it. A team of Japanese scientist having been mucking around in Tokyo's sewage. Using some fancy scientific crap (pun intended they have extracted proteins, carbohydrates and fats from the feces. Then combining the elements and adding soy protein and red food coloring they are creating an imitation meat product -- steaks and burgers.

No, I am not shitting you. 


According to the article the sewage is heat treated first so the end product is safe to eat.

There goes the old saying, "Eat shit and die."


The food safety guy quoted in the article claims that eating this product which is produced by human shit is equivalent to eating veggies fertilized by excrement since both gain their nutrients via feces. His argument does support my stance that all veggies are crap but this is still a real stinker of an idea.

I seriously doubt event eh most green eco-friendly folk are going to be eager to chow down on a shit burger. And Vegans can't eat anything that came from something with a face. So I ask who the hell is gonna eat this crap?

Roar Like a Damn Tiger

There I was flipping through the channels when I spy a show called FREAKY EATERS.

I thought to myself. Surely This must be about some lunatic vegan so I hit the info button and this is what I see ...

Michael has a compulsion for eating meat.

And here is a teaser promo I found on the web.



So needless to say I started watching the show. I missed the beginning but I watched for as long as I could until the sights sickened me and I had to flip the damn channel.

Michail was going through life, enjoying tasty meals.

But no. This broad he's hooked up with isn't happy with the due she fell in love with. Just because she has some unresolved daddy issues she is going to take it out on a happy go lucky member of the meat man brethren. And she's not even tough enough to do the dirty work herself. Hell no she enlists some nutritionist and a psychotherapist to help her.

Together they first coerce Michael into blasphemy by making him grind up 150 pounds of choice meat cuts int he effort o make him see meat in a less favorable light.

Then they bring in some cardiologist who shows him a damaged heart and tells Micheal that COULD be him. I repeat COULD.

Then they drag him to some Mongolian barbecue joint and badger him until he relents and eats first carrots,t hen peppers and finally broccoli.

For the love of God people that is torture. They should have shot the damn show at Guantanamo.

Eating MEAT is not a crime folks. Neither is shunning veggies.

And Mikey Yeah I'm calling you Mikey -- a little boys name, because a MAN, especially a genuine MEAT MAN would have told those people to take that broccoli and stuff it up their asparagus.

Mikey, run now dude. First, she demands you change your diet. Next, she'll have you dressing in matching sweaters. Pretty soon she'll have you watching figure skating rather than football. Before you know it you are standing outside the Victoria's Secret dressing room at your local mall, holding her damned purse, while she tries on panties.Panties some other dude will later rip off with his teeth because your dear sweet Jenna has tired of her pussycat husband and wants to spice up her life with a real carnivorous tiger.

Adam Might Want His Back After This

Today the talented, though  as you'll see -- misguided, Mark Terry joins us here for a meaty discussion. Among other things Mark is a talented, multi-published author, a black belt in Karate, and a man's man that rarely if ever misses a meal. Problem is he live up in Michigan and not down here in Texas, therefore I'll forgive him of his flawed opinions on the delicacy that is ribs.

Ribs I Have Known and Loved

By Mark Terry

Dare I engage the Meat Man on the topic of ribs? Not only the Meat Man, but a Texas Meat Man?

I have long had a love affair with ribs, primarily pork ribs. Yes, beef ribs will do, but really, if you’re going to have ribs, go pork.

My friends, the word “succulent” was invented to describe barbeque ribs. From the Latin “succu,” the word for “pig,” and “lent,” the word for “grease smeared on my face.” Okay, I’m lying. What do you care?

Do you baste your BBQ sauce and let it get crunchy? Or do you dip your ribs afterwards?

Homemade sauce? Or out of a bottle?

These are fighting words, you know. Remember the Alamo? I’m sure there was an argument about dry rubs in there somewhere.

Here’s one to bring out the six-guns and Shiner Bock (although, I’m sorry, my preference is Sam Adams) – parboil or slow roast?

Dear God, we parboil here in the Terry household and that may very well be a sin against humanity, but I have not mastered the slow roast, nor developed the patience – that’s why God invented restaurants.

And here’s one to get the Meat Man all riled up: my favorite place for ribs here in Oxford, Michigan is an Italian restaurant, Italia Gardens, not far from my house. Yes, I like them with aside of fettuccini alfredo.

I want the meat to fall off the bone and I want to pick up the ribs and eat them with my fingers. Use a fork? What are you a philistine?

What say you, Meat aficionados? Pork versus beef? What’s your favorite rib? Where’s your favorite rib joint? What’s your favorite side dish? (And yes, beer can be a side dish when discussing ribs and other meats. Totally acceptable).

***********************************

Where ... O ... where do I start?

I dwell here in the heart of cattle country. I lay my head each night in the very city where the famed and revered Oprah stood trial for disparaging beef's good name.

And so it almost seems blasphemous to say so but when it comes to ribs, pork ribs are the better option. Not that I'll turn down a meaty Fred Flinstone size rack of beef ribs. 

Sadly, that is the only place where me and Mr. Terry can agree for he is  apparently taken onto too many judo chop to the head or let the sun beat down on his shiny dome one day to many for the rest of his meat theories are the words of a salad eater.

A genuine MEAT MAN doesn't simply make his own sauce -- HE CREATES it.

And did Mr Terry dare say dry rub and crunchy? Ribs are like sex. They are supposed to be moist, sloppy and yes a little dirty. There is no place for dry and crunchy between the sheets nor on a rib platter.

The Alamo? I have stood on that hallowed ground. I touched the very dirt where Davy Crockett, James Bowie, and William B TRAVIS shed their blood. Blood that leached into the Texas soil. Blood that created a nation. A nation that later acquiesced to join the United States. And in that great State one will find a little town named Shiner. In that town one will find Spoetzl brewery the make of Shiner Bock. 

To drink anything less, is nothing more than to spit upon the grave of Davy Crockett, James Bowie, and yes William B TRAVIS.

Parboil? I'd rather be stabbed me through the heart with an asparagus spear than to boil my meat. Oh sure you can boil kielbasa in beer, but ribs? No my friends that is a crime on par with eating ribs at an Italian joint with glorified noodles for the side dish.

Who would do such a thing?

Yes, Mark Terry, but you know what they say about the brilliant minded of the world. Well, Mark happens to be one of those brilliant minded and talented souls, so forgive him his culinary trespasses and instead, indulge in the stories he cooks up.

Mark is the author of the the Derek Stillwater novels. The latest installment, THE VALLEY OF SHADOWS,  will be available June 7th, that's Tuesday if you were too cheap to buy a calender this year. Buy it -- Read it -- you won't be sorry.

And don't forget to drop a comment on your rib thoughts. Mark will no doubt be stopping in when he can to comment back as will I.

I Just Might Up Chuck

Flashback in time to about a year ago ...

There I was sitting in Chuck E Cheese happily munching away on a Canadian Bacon pizza while my boys pumped tokens into the video games. Some dude comes around and tells me if I'll sign up in the Chuck E-Club he'll give me 20 free tokens.

Now my boys can put tokens through a video game machine faster than E-coli tainted spinach shoots through a dysenteric Vegan, and this yahoo tells me all I need to do is provide an active meal address. So i do it and all was fine and dandy until the bastards sent me this earlier this week.

First of all, what kind of birthday gift is a dollar off coupon? And second of all it is for FREAKING SALAD! Giving salad as a gift is like giving a kid underwear, no, even worse, USED underwear for Christmas.

Come on Chuck. I realize you play second fiddle in the the mouse orchestra to Mickey but you gotta do better than this. This is the kinds shit that makes people reach for the rat poison.

If You Are What You Eat ... I'm A Little Nutty

I recently made the comment either on twitter or facebook that Brussel Sprouts are the testicles of the vegetable world.

This prompted a discussion of my take on Rocky Mountain Oysters, or Calf Fries as they are known as here in Texas.


Before I get there let me further expound on my anti-veggie mantra. Brussel sprouts are indeed the testicles of the plant world.

Nothing about that picture is appetizing.

Now everyone knows testicles are fragile critters and need their very own sack for protection.

Thus I give you kiwis ... The nutsack of nature.

Okay, not to calf fries.

Calf fries, prairie oysters for you Canadians, or Rocky Mountain Oysters most other places are indeed testicles. Taken from castrated bull calves these tasty little snacks can be quite satisfying to the gut if prepared and cooked properly.

First off, size does matter.

The smaller the better as this means the calf fires came from a younger animal.

Second, the little jewels must be skinned and sliced thin. Nobody wants a big old round bovine ball in their mouth.

Third. They must be deeper fried until well done. Raw and runny in the middle is not a good thing when you are munching on a nut.



If and only if those three conditions are met Calf fries are a quite tasty morsel.

And in the end they are meat. Beef from the same animal as filet mignon, porterhouse, or sirloin steak.

Yum

If you'll eat guacamole my friends you'll eat anything, because the only difference between this ...

And this ...

... is the bowl.


.

I Will Survive

Rambo had that fancy knife with a compass, and fish hook and snare wire tucked inside.

Indiana Jones survived with wit and by cracking a mean bull whip.

Buford Pusser walked tall with his hickory club.

A Meat Man Extraordinaire like myself has beef jerky.

Scoff, laugh if you must, but jerky has given me strength and the ability to survive in the most desperate of times.

There I was ... marooned in the hot Arizona desert.

Okay so I really it was a nice little guest ranch up in the hills, but I was marooned nonetheless. I was taking part in a week long writers conference.All food was included ... cooked and prepared by a real honest to goodness chef.

Problem was this chef, like so so many, enjoyed dancing with the Devil and all his evil veggie minions.

There were no steak and baked potato meals. I'm talking Garden fresh omelets for breakfast. Creamy asparagus chicken for lunch.  Parsley covered Salmon and rice for supper.

Now an unprepared Meat Man would have starved after five or six days of that crap, but me I was prepared ... I'd brought along a dozen big ass bags of beef jerky. I survived the week on beef jerky, beer, and rum.

There were twelve of us that started the week, but the attrition rate was high. We lost one or two who couldn't take criticism. Another couple to emergencies at home. One girl lapsed into a coma. No I'm not joking. By the end of the week there were only a handful of us left standing and I dare say I was the healthiest strongest of the bunch. Why? Because I was living on beef and booze my friends.


Now let me tell you how you too can enjoy this fabulous jerky diet. Or better yet, how you can take care of the important men in your life.

The fine folks over at House of Jerky  recently sent me a little care package and let me tell you it was fabulous.

I sampled the Black Pepper Jerky and if ever I'm marooned again I'm taking a barrel full of this stuff and Pamela Anderson with me. Yeah I know Pam is a Vegan nutjob but a bet a few days in she'll be willing to snack on some meat.

I also had the Teriyaki and while very flavorful it was also a bit sticky making it a less practical snack on the run or out in the field. My boys loved it and I highly recommend this flavor if you don't mind a touch of sticky.

The Sweet and Spicy had a bit too much kick for me, but it had a great meaty flavor to go along with the spice so if you enjoy a fiery tongue go for it.

I only thought the Sweet and Spice was warm until I tried the Hot Beef Jerky. Shit was it hot. You could dehydrate a chuck of Satan's ass and it wouldn't be any hotter. Frankly the heat kept me from tasting anything else.

The Natural Beef Jerky was nearly as good as the Black Pepper and again as good as jerky gets.

House of Jerky also makes and sells, Buffalo, Venison, Turkey, Wild Boar, and Salmon jerky.

They offer a Jerky of the month club which would be a great gift for any dad, (or your favorite meat loving blogger) Father's Day is coming you know.

Or you can easily donate jerky to be sent to our troops.

All of House of Jerky's beef jerky is made from premium grass fed cattle and you can find out more about them on twitter and facebook.

Jenny says I Got Style

Lettuce Is the Devil has won its first ever blog award .The oh so coveted -- Stylish Blogger Award.

This award was bestowed upon me me by ... gasp ... a salad eater. Albeit a very talented salad eater. Jennifer Archer is a friend, a mentor, and an inspiration to me. I hope to be just like her when I grow up. All except that salad eating part that is. Anyway check out Jennifer latest book, Through Her Eyes which is now available at all the finer bookstores and internet outlets. 

I won't keep you waiting another moment. Let's get the rules.

1. Thank and link to the person who nominated you. Thanks Jennifer!

2. Share seven random facts about yourself on your blog.

#1 In high school, I once took two weeks of detentions rather than pick up a single slice of tomato off the ground.

#2 I built my wife a raised vegetable garden, which considering my dogma is sort of like an Israeli inviting an Islamic Imam over for a barbecue.

#3 Organic beef is nice, but I'd eat a crack addicted cow, raised on Sugar Babies and Marlboros before I would willingly ingest a single shred of lettuce nurtured by Franciscan monks in the Garden of Eden.

#4 Even though hops are green, and barley is a plant, I believe beer to be nectar of the gods, thus proving to wrongs can make a right.

#5 I am juvenile enough to find the old joke ... "What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?"  answer - A salad shooter. ... funny.

#6 I once survived a week long, meal inclusive, writers workshop on beef jerky and beer because all of the food was tainted by the devil. My fellow writers mocked me then, but at least two of them now follow Lettuce Is the Devil on facebook.

#7 Once upon a time I ate vegetables, or so my family claims, but a near death experience and extended hospital stay at the age of four forever changed my eating habits and I've been a meat only eater since then. I choose to believe I saw the light, sort of like the heat lamp at a burger joint and beneath it was a meat & cheese only, bacon double cheeseburger.

3. Pass the award along to five blogs that epitomize said theme.

#1  Honest Meat

#2 It's All About the Bacon

#3 Uncle Frog Blog

#4 Part Time Carnivore

#5 Chomposaurus

Cruelty is A Terrible Thing

A Few Words From The good Reverend ...

My Take

I eat meat. 

Meat comes from animals.

I accept that fact and understand that is the way of the world. The way things are meant to be. 

If we humans were meant to eat grass we'd have four chambers in our stomach and flat teeth designed for grinding. Just like cows do.

Whether you are an evolutionist, a steadfast believer in creationism, or are of the opinion the human race is an accidental collision of dust particles matters not. We are equipped to chew and digest meat and to deny those basic instincts is a crime against nature.

This leads me to a recent news story here in my area of the Texas panhandle. A national animal rights organization released video of abuse taking part at a local cattle company. Yes I said abuse. The owner of the company was on local news and admitted what was seen in the footage was wrong. Despite my steadfast love of meat I am not foolish enough to say or even suggest there are stupid people in this world. People who make mistakes and do things they should not.

But I am unwavering in my belief that the idiotic actions of some should provoke a knee jerk action or banning of something else.

The spokesman for this animal rights group looked in the camera and said, "This is why everyone should be vegan. If you eat meat you are as guilty as those on the video."

That my friends is wrong.

But let me back up and say I something that often provokes shock from others.

I DO NOT believe in animal rights.

Nor do I believe we should treat animals humanly.

What I believe in is animal welfare.

Same thing you say. Yeah, it is in most people's minds, but unfortunately the whack jobs mean the terms literally.

Humanly means to treat something like a human. And that is what groups like PETA, ALF, and Mercy For Animals believe. Animals are not human. Treating them like I would my cousin Larry will not make them so.

Animals have no rights. I don't want to arm bears, have a chicken clucking away in the voting booth next to me, or set free all the Fido's and Spot's now incarcerated in backyards the world over.

Those are crazy ideas.

On the other hand I do not believe a person should repeatedly kick a sick calf, feed a pit bull gunpowder to make it aggressive enough to fight another dog to its death, or keep and starve to death a dozen Bengal tigers because they can't afford the meat to feed them. (Good luck convincing those tigers that a vegan lifestyle is the way to go)

There is no place for cruelty or abuse anywhere in this world.

That goes at feedlots and migrant farm camps, where often times the folks who pick all those veggies are treated worse than animals.

But back to the guys assertion meat production should be banned based on the video evidence.

Following his logic ... the next time some sorry bastard is found guilty of child abuse, all fornication should be banned, that way no innocent kids will ever be harmed again.

Why I Have Nightmares

THE DEVIL IS A SHAPESHIFTER


NOT EVEN BATMAN WOULD WANT TO TANGLE WITH THESE EVIL PENGUINS


THIS PROVES IT - AN IDLE MIND DOES PAVE THE WAY FOR WICKED THOUGHTS

COME ON ADMIT IT - THAT ORANGE SCARES YOU JUST A BIT, DOESN'T IT.

Muy Caliente!

Truth be told, I don't know who this gal, Maggie Q even is, but I am concerned on her behalf. Capsaicin (the fiery oil contained in peppers) burns are no fun, but being the kind guy I am I will volunteer to apply the salve for the singed area.

And of course as a genuine Meat Man I will do everything in my power to convince her a little meat would do her some good.

And yeah I stole or at least borrowed this from PETA and I gotta say, if they think this ad is gonna deter people from assuming those initials mean something other than People Eating Tasty Animals than they are sadly mistaken.

IT AIN"T EASY, BEING MEat

I guess it was bound to happen.

After all you can't please every one.

And the world has gone softer than an overripe banana.

Vegan, vegetarians, and PETA heads are a vocal bunch so I thought it would be one of them, but apparently my first dissenter was offended for reasons the fact i like to snack upon creatures that once had a face.

Here are a few snippets from my first bit of hate mail.

 ... I became a regular reader when a mutual friend tuned me into your regular blog and while I often found you brand of humor to be sophomoric, it was at least mildly entertaining. However, this new venture, where you insist upon mocking both religion and healthy living, is worse than your usual gambits. To compare lettuce to Satan is utterly juvenile, as well as sacrilegious. What's next Jesus, Our Lord and Savior, to beef jerky?

There was more but that gives you the general idea. 

For the record the Lettuce Is The Devil blog, book, Facebook page, and twitter accounts are in no way meant to represent serious theology. If you have confused my instruction to the brilliant but often misguided Stephen, "Poke Salad" Parrish to say three Hail marinades and pray the rotisserie as genuine religious instruction I do apologize. 

That being said ... I REALLY do love beef jerky and it has saved me many times in life. 

And I suppose that I am sophomoric at times. Take the phrase the hate e-mailer used "utterly juvenile" ... upon reading that term it occurred to me if one changed the spelling to "udderly juvenile" it would be synonymous with another term -- titty baby. 

But I suppose I will just dismiss this letter as a sign that my Meat Man Dogma is finding an audience, besides I can't take it personal not when i know ... the LETTUCE made them do it.

This Kid Gives Me Hope For The Future

This story was sent to me by blogging pal Dizzy Ms. Lizzy, who got it from her father. Is it true? I damn sure hope so. And sometime soon i will share my rabbit story that landed me the same place as this kid.


Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am.
Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
 
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders." 
Guess where I am now...

I Got The Beef Right Here

I've never been a big fan of the Wendy's chain of fast food restaurants.


Don't get me wrong, I respect their efforts to find the beef back in the 80's ...


And I was amused by their meatarian commercial to promote their Baconator burger a few years back. But other than those few successes me and that little red-headed gal haven't exactly seen eye-to-eye.

ta

First off a true meatatarian eats nothing but meat (they are the yin to a Vegan's yang and just as nutty) and the dude in their commercial was chomping on a bun. Whereas a good honest Meat Man such as myself maximizes his love of meat by allowing a select few food items (never green ones) to grace his plate that didn't once graze in the field.


But that is a minor infraction and one I could overlook without all the other craziness.


Like square hamburger patties. Oh I've heard the Dave Thomas explanation, "our patties are square because we don't cut any corners."


Then tell me Dave ... (yeah I know the dude has passed on, but I'm speaking metaphorically here)  Tell me Dave why is the bacon you put on your burgers so danged thin I can see through it. Had Lady Gaga used y'alls bacon for her dress the entire world would say Janet who when the term wardrobe malfunction came up in conversation. Frankly your bacon would cover so much as a single Gaga nipple.

And back to those square burgers. Dude, you can't force square meat into a road hole. Okay, maybe you can but it is illegal in every state except Nevada. Square burgers on a road bun upsets the cosmic balance of Burgerdom.


But even that travesty is forgivable.


It is your latest sack that has finally driven me away for good.

It's hard to read so I'll blow up the words for y'all

This my friends is treason ... blasphemy and nothing short of evil corruption.


256 ways?


Not without dancing with the devil my friend.  and his demonic acolytes.


Given their ingredients on hand I see but 6 righteous ways to customize a Wendy's burger.


I have given names to these burgers 

The Purist -- Hamburger patty, Cheese, and Bacon.

The Dripping Purist -- Hamburger patty, Cheese, Bacon, and BBQ sauce. (I would explain why all other sauces such as Mayo, Ketchup, and Mustard are sinful but the powers that be have advised me to withhold certain aspects of my wisdom,a s well as all recipes, for the forthcoming book, Lettuce Is The Devil : The Culinary Dogma Of a Devout Meat Man.)

The Nary any Dairy --  Hamburger patty and Bacon

The Dripping Nary any Dairy -- Should be self explanatory following the above described burgers. But if you are not intelligent enough to figure it out than chances are you are a vegan and are unlikely to order this anyway.

The Poor Boy -- Hamburger patty. Unless you are Jewish, lactose intolerant, or too broke to spring the extra fifty cents for a slice of cheese ordering this burger is the Meat Man equivalent of singing along to a Justin Bieber song.

The Dripping Poor Boy -- Hey, BBQ sauce is free man.


Now a real Meat Man, such as myself, can build a more exotic and better burger than any of the above but like I said, for that knowledge y'all will have to wait for the book.

And until then stay away from the other 250 combinations, for they are born of pure evilness.

Someday You People Will Believe

Tragic news from the front.

Chip Clip

The battle between good and evil rages on.

There are many fronts to this age-long skirmish.

Today, I spotted two silent struggles taking place in the vending machine at work.

Who will prevail? Meat flavored chips, or the evil flame throwing vegetable?

Bask In The Heavenly Light

I realize that I have devoted every post thus far to highlighting the evil of the world on this blog. lest you start to think there is no light amongst the darkness I have decided to part the story clouds and let the sun shine through for this post.

The Mexican meat market where among other things you can buy skirt steak for fajitas, chorizo, rabbit, cabrito, and the best smoked porkchops in all the world.  Can I get an AMEN!

A line up of New York Strips right on my grill. Can i get a hallelujah!

The view from my deer blind. Waiting on some future deer jerky while eyeballing tomorrows hamburgers. Praise the bounty.

 

A feast at a campout. Nothing beats meat cooked over an open flame fed by Texas mesquite. Hallowed be thy name.

A sample of those fantabulous smoked porkchops from the Mexican meat market. Must have been a hot day summer since I was drinking Landshark.

Y'all getting hungry yet?

How 'bout some more steaks 'cause you can never have enough steak. these were from christmas day thsi past year. turkey is good, but beef is better.

 Yep, that's me sampling a tasty scrap o'meat.

Again I say -- Can I get an AMEN!

Satan's Playpen

There is a place of darkness, hidden away in your home ...



It is there lurking waiting ...





There in the kitchen ...

Yes in the fridge ...




Go ahead open the door ...




But be prepared for the horror of it ...

That's right folks.

The Devil has staked out and labeled an evil den in your very place of nourishment.


But FEAR NOT my faithful and loyal friends ...



For it is possible to shun the devil's markings ...




To transform this vile place into something pure and holy and good ...

Don't Open That Gate

I eat next to no vegetables, or anything green for that matter. (there are a few veggies I'll allow to pass between my lips, but only after they've been deep fried in liquid animal fat) Not long ago, a teenage boy who is dating a friend's daughter told told me, "I'm just like you. I don't eat veggies, except maybe for a little lettuce on my burger."


As a wizend adult of 38 I felt duty bound to warn this boy of the dangers of "JUST A LITTLE BIT OF LETTUCE."

"That's exactly how it starts," I told the lad. "A little bit of lettuce on your burger today ... a salad tomorrow, before you know it you're knee deep in boiled cabbage and asparagus. Come one man. Don't you know lettuce is the gateway vegetable?"

Here is a old news story from 2008 that just goes to show you how the mere word salad leads to no good.

*********************************************************

FORT WORTH, Texas, May 7 -- Salad bowls led to the arrest of a 51-year-old Texas man.

Federal prosecutors said David Barouch's ex-wife returned home from church last Sunday and opened a FedEx package. Inside, she discovered two salad bowls taped together, containing a six-volt battery and a large bag of what appeared to be gunpowder.

"Taking the bowls apart was supposed to have formed a circuit that would have set off the gunpowder," Federal prosecuter Bret Helmer said. "The detectives determined that these bowls were sold only at Bed, Bath and Beyond."

Detectives found the only nearby location that had sold two of the bowls in the same day during the past month and a review of April 14 surveillance camera footage identified Barouch, of Fort Worth, as the man who bought them.

Barouch was arrested and charged with possession of an unregistered destructive device.

***************************************************************

What do you bet she tried to feed him salad the whole time they were married? Sure, he's obviously a disturbed fellow, but I can just hear him muttering as he rigged up his ill-fated contraption ... "Romain, iceburg, that fancy purple crap. She wants to eat salad I'll give her salad."

Ask me it was the lettuce made him do it. 

Yep, pure evil I tell you.

Carnivore

tOXYc MORONS

I do not enjoy grocery shopping, or shopping of any type for that matter. I'm a go in grab what you NEED (I said NEED not want) and go kind of guy. Strolling around aisle after aisle is yet another version of my personal hell. Along with salad bars, Barry Manilow tunes, and televised Ice Skating competitions.

But being that I'm married there are times when I'm kidnapped and forced to go grocery shopping against my will. My whatever reason my family does not see the simplicity, joy, and week long sustenance a few pounds of kielbasa and a pack of flour tortillas offers. Oh no, they scoff there nose at eating the same thing for five days straight, therefore we must go to Wal-Mart and wander aimlessly up and down the aisles.

And it was there on those very aisles, in the freezer section, when I spotted the demon. With unbelieving eyes I opened the cooler door. A rush of frigid air poured forth and this is the horror I saw ...

Meatless meatballs?

Perhaps the world's greatest oxymoron ever. Speaking of moron, why would anyone eat this?

At the time I was too shocked and yes  too scared to reach out and touch this product so I didn't know exactly what went into the making of a "meatless" meatball. But the powers of the Internet solved this problem as I looked it up. Here goes ...

TEXTURED VEGETABLE PROTEIN (WATER, SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE AND CONCENTRATE, WHEAT GLUTEN, WHEAT STARCH), CARROTS, SOYBEAN OIL, EGG WHITES. CONTAINS LESS THAN 2% OF ONIONS, CHICORY FIBER (INULIN), SPICES, SEA SALT, POTASSIUM CHLORIDE, DEXTROSE, HYDROLYZED PROTEIN (CORN, YEAST, WHEAT), MODIFIED VEGETABLE GUM, CALCIUM CARBONATE, VEGETABLE FIBER, GARLIC, YEAST EXTRACT, NATURAL FLAVORS, CARAMEL COLOR, CULTURED SKIM MILK.

Yum, SOY PROTEIN ISOLATE. They don't have to worry about me I've already isolated myself from all such matter.

CARROTS, SOYBEAN OIL -- I bet not even Bugs Bunny would eat these carrots disguised as meat.


EGG WHITES - Oh let's not eat the meat of an animal, Instead lets dine of something that fell from it's ass. Yeah folks, that's way better.


CHICORY FIBER -- Now I like a good cup of chicory coffee, but given that SOYBEAN OIL and VEGETABLE FIBER are also ingredients I'm thinking eating these means you better head over a few more aisle and pick up the 18 pack of Charmin.


Vegetable Gum - bet you can't blow a bubble with that crap


Natural Flavors? -- Umm ... given it's supposed to taste like meat would that be meat?


Cultured Skim Milk -- Let's not eat the cow's flesh, but let's slurp up their body fluid, YEAH MEATLESS MEATBALLS!